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The Fast Track is for Racing – Not Relationships!
By Lisa E. Scott | January 4, 2010
by Sandra L. Brown, MA
We live in an instant society: instant messaging, drive – through food, microwaves, text messaging, IPods, IPhones — just about anything we want NOW we can have. No wonder we have confused technology speed with relational speed. After all, isn’t this the decade of ’speed dating’?
The problem is that there is no way to rush intimacy. Speed dating does not = relationship security and knowledge. There is only one way to know someone and that is through time. There are no short cuts. Many people think that if you substitute the time you would spend with someone over a year of knowing them and squeeze that time into a 24/7 relationship, then you will get the same results. Very often there is an inappropriate pacing in relationships in which people early on begin to spend 24/7 with a new person. They give up their outside hobbies, friends, families, and lifestyles. They think that if someone WANTS to spend 24/7 with them, they must be ‘really into them.’
Over the years as a mental health counselor, I have found there are a number of reasons why people want to rush relationships. Sometimes it’s because they want to usher you into the center of their lives before you find out their history. They want you really tied-in before you find out why no one else has wanted a relationship with them. Other times it is because the person has a hard time being alone. That is never a good sign. The inability to be alone is often related to other mental health issues. Fast paced dating can be a distraction away from their own feelings and issues.
I always suggest that the woman be in charge of the pacing of the relationship. If she has been 24/7 with someone, stop! Not only because it’s unhealthy but also to see what he will do with the changing of the pace. Make other plans, see friends, don’t be so available.
Healthy persons will accept the pacing change. They may not like it, but they will honor it. Unhealthy and even dangerous or pathological persons will blame, shame, and guilt you. This should be a red flag as to whether this person is someone safe to date.
Rushing a relationship — whether it’s dating 24/7, moving in early together, or marrying within the first year is a mistake that renders not enough time to truly know a person.
This includes the persons ‘true’ (as opposed to ’stated’) background, their character, and maybe their own dangerousness. It takes time to build a healthy relationship. It takes no time at all to imitate one.
Article written by Sandra L. Brown, M.A., Director of The Institute for Reduction of Relational Harm & Psychopathy Education. The Institute is involved in helping women achieve relational harm reduction.
http://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com
NOTE:
GET OFF THE ONLINE DATING SITES AND GET YOUR LIFE BACK!
You know what makes me CRRAAZZYYY??? Women coming out of TTHHEEE most pathological and sick relationships who don’t stop for two seconds to figure out how they got in something SO dangerous and put themselves (and God forbid, their children) at-risk. Instead, they are signing up on online dating sites where predators hang out!
She has done 2 minutes of work on herself, but puts her damaged self back out there and guess what… yup — hooks another one! Then I get 10 page email letters of her crying asking “What in the world have I done SOOOO BADDDD that I keep getting these dangerous men?”
HUH?????????
Ladies: Game OVER: Time OUT!
Here… you need something to do until insight works it’s way into your life? Volunteer! Do something positive with your energy and stay OUT of the online dating game (and even the online chatting game) until you have significantly worked on YOU!
Read any of our websites that are sort of in the same subject matter: women in unsafe situations and all of our sites are telling you the same thing! Its NOT safe online! Anywhere! Stop believing the eharmony-match-plentyoffish-chemistry cutesy ads about the ‘forever relationships!’
- Sandra Brown, MA
Topics: Narcissism, Narcissism Victims, PTSD, Pathology, Relationships, narcissist | No Comments »